Assuming You Know Me

Today, I’d like to talk about two natural, but sometimes limiting aspects in our lives. I’m referring to assumptions and judgment in our social sphere. I believe that we have all been conditioned to respond to the actions and words of others, involving those closest to us through those of complete strangers . We take-in the information which we either witnessed ourselves or were presented with through other sources, then process that information through our own filters, filters that have developed through our own history, personal experiences and the media. I realize that this topic extends far, deep and wide, but my focus here is how this topic effects you in your own personal life.

We can all agree that the magnitude of variables effecting our perceptions is overwhelming, including the way we process any obvious approval or disapproval of these scenario by others. The way in which others respond seems to be contagious. When surrounded by a crowd of “oohs” and “ahhs”, typically more of us immediately join into the “oohs” and “ahhs”.

I have definitely had moments when my judgement and assumptions have left me feeling both grateful for having had developed such instincts and others when I have felt mortified with shame for having misread a situation completely.

We all carry and act with ignorance and snap judgements at times; imperfection and humanity go hand-in-hand. I believe history and our present day provide us with so many lessons from which to learn and develop a more sophisticated sensitivity. Having matured our ability to pause instant judgement, we would feel the growth and freedom that comes from understanding each other and expressing our own thoughts. These are the conversations we NEED to have without feeling like we are walking on eggshells. The fear of being misunderstood and receiving the disapproving glance from others through speaking and living our truth needs to end.

I, for one, am just so exhausted and nauseated by the countless sources of messaging that we are faced with every day, telling us to be generic, mainstream and to blend.

Once again, when the community surrounding us joins in, we may either crave the sense of belonging by joining or feel as if we are the only fish swimming upstream. Of course, there are all of the glorious places in between as well, but what I feel is missing here is: the discussion of opinions. Has politeness and approval, fueled by our fear of assumptions and judgement taken complete control of our individual social lives? Do you ever feel the overwhelming sense that with certain company or scenarios, you are required to bubble-wrap each of your statements or just tuck them away in your locked diaries?

I’d like to have a conversation around those little moments that happen in our own tiny corners of the world. From a casual interaction over coffee with a friend to the quick chatter along the route of your daily errands, we can make a difference by asking questions, broadening our perspective by hearing those of others, voicing our beliefs, and filling in the gaps of misunderstanding that come from assumptions and judgement.

An authentic conversation is possible once we establish and live by a strong set of firmly-rooted values. Yes, it’s true, someone (maybe you) may end-up having their feelings hurt or being offended by statements which weren’t carefully pre-screened and curated for high approval ratings. This is honesty, humanity and reality. An authentic conversation may also bring you into a new space of belonging and understanding. That’s where I feel the motivation, right at this point in which growth, change and understanding can begin. If we strive to maintain comfortable, agreeable, people-pleasing conversations, we will never know the benefits that come from deep and honest relationships. We will never have the opportunity to refine and celebrate our purpose and perspective.

Authentic conversation is the pathway to love, belonging, change, awareness and growth.

Now, how do we put this into practice in real life? I am personally at a crossroads for how to manage a particular social scenario. Many assumptions and so much judgement have been made against myself and those I love most. I am hurting and angry, but haven’t directly responded.

This is a moment where I have an opportunity to speak my truth and point out the mistakes made through these assumptions.

I believe, however, that by speaking my truth and sharing my feelings, I would be met with more hurtful assumptions and criticism. I’m predicting that by offering clarification, I would be met with an argument with even more gusto. More importantly, I believe that my response would validate the power of the offending words and actions. I definitely do not want to offer this avenue and by closing that path, I believe that I maintain some control. Oh…the games I (we) play. Is any of this thought process familiar to you?

So, how long will I let this fester, why does it bother me on such a deep level and how may I find a way to make peace within myself? How is my silence going to make any change? How much is my choice to be silent driven by my fear of the confrontation itself? How much power does my fear of inaccurately articulating my position have over me?

I know in my heart that, for me, this scenario brings me back to my personal history of being misunderstood, being silenced, being shamed, and being told I’m unimportant, irrelevant and don’t belong.

Authentic conversation shows compassion; it invites us all to share our experiences and offers soul-warming relief and connection.

Here are some questions to consider and begin a conversation in the comments below:

Consideration:

1. Are you currently working with or against social assumptions and judgement in your own life? Have you in the past?

2. Do you have difficulty expressing yourself in certain scenarios, with specific company? If you are able, can you determine why?

3. What are your outlets or creative methods in which you DO feel safe expressing yourself?

4. Do any of your outlets seem to be a way to “avoid” feelings, versus leaning into your feelings?

5. Do you create art from places of pleasure AND pain? If not, what may be holding you back?

6. Share how you are courageously owning who you are, what you dream of, the hurdles you face and the challenges you are learning to redesign for growth.

In art and in life, our expression, our opinions and our feelings belong and are so valuable. I want each of us to live a life with freedom to be who we are, not to fear being bullied, misunderstood and not “fitting-in”. Let’s work towards living authentically. Let’s get outdoors, connect with nature and renew our minds. Let’s put our feelings and impulses into our artwork and creativity, nourish our relationships, grow in our ability to maneuver through the awkward and anxious feelings that may come with vulnerability by having “real” conversations.

Creative Prompt #2:

Write some words to express your goals around vulnerability. Share in the comments or add to your profile, if you like.

A few months ago, while walking the beach, I was considering my own goals around vulnerability and have shared them with you below.

I wrote this as a guide into this phase of growth and development. I believe it is relevant for anyone looking to make a positive change, those who are especially infatuated with being in the sea will be able to relate on both the physical and emotional side. I hope this inspires you and you share any ways in which these words moved you today.

“I will enter the sea
Humbly
Respectfully
Honestly
I will let the waves wash over me
I will feel their power
I will stay strong and safe
I will remain open to their gifts
I will allow movement and discomfort
I will embrace and settle into the new
I will have the courage to be one with the waves which meet my aspirations
I will develop instincts to let the mismatched waves pass
I will grow and have faith in myself with this opportunity
Even if it scares me
Even if it feels so much bigger than me
Remembering. I will always land on solid ground
To show me where I’ve been
With fresh perspective
Towards what is possible.”

Mary Lynn Burke