Today, as a practice in being vulnerable within our courageous community, I’d like to share a story about my journey towards finding my focus and purpose for PhotoDreamTrip. Currently, my ideas for PhotoDreamTrip are simply NOT aligned with my originally perceived plan, and for this, I am so grateful. I am grateful for my intuition, grateful for my instincts and grateful that I have had the open mind to follow these above all else.
Soon after we moved to New Zealand, I suddenly believed my sense of self-worth would get a boost if I were to have a “career” and contribute to our family’s financial comfort.
Since I was young, I have found value in the resulting payment for a job done of quality work. The predictability and ability to control this aspect of my life has been empowering. For many years, on my path towards a career in social work, I worked multiple jobs at once (some not so dignified, one which left me falling in a dumpster while cleaning office buildings alone at night).
At the time of our move to New Zealand, my oldest daughter had just turned 10 years old and throughout these years, I happily chose (and so gratefully had the option) to be a stay-at-home Mama. Now, I was ready to pounce back into the validation that comes with a “paycheck”, even at the expense of setting aside my photography dreams. I knew that a “real job” in Social Work would guarantee a predictable paycheck and provide the reward of helping my community.
I completed all steps to receive my New Zealand Social Work License. I applied, interviewed and was accepted for part-time social work jobs, only to be told afterwards that the positions were strictly full-time, an impossible and unwelcome scenario for our family schedule and values. Upon explaining our family needs (and confusion that this position was advertised as part-time), I was told to “just put them in aftercare”.
This organization, in desperate need of social workers, an organization based upon the well-being of children and families, clearly wasn’t able to offer me the flexibility to maintain the well-being of my own family. Hard pass.
So, relieved to have yet another opportunity to go all-in with my creative dreams, I imagined PhotoDreamTrip. I was on a mission for success, in the form of a paying career in photography. I considered the advice of local NZ photographers, who were informing me about the lack of possibility for creating a photography career in New Zealand. I found their words gave me even more fuel for the passion I had within me. I had so much passion for success. In this moment, I felt pay would be the measure of my success and proof of my worth. This money would help support our family, take some financial pressure off of my husband and my ego would enjoy the boost.
Once settled into life in New Zealand, I suddenly saw our family journey of living abroad in this “bucket list” location as an opportunity to not only begin a career as a travel photographer but to finally justify and prove my motives and “hobby” over the years had been for good cause. I wanted to prove that I do, in fact, have a talent that has value to others. By being paid, published, selling prints and having a large “audience” viewing my photography, I will finally have proven my worth.
Ugh, I’m hiding under the table blushing as I write this!
And that is the sad, selfish part (*we’re human, we’re all selfish sometimes). In my deepest places, I felt that being paid would finally give me the chance to prove myself to a selection of specific people in my life. These people, for a whole host of reasons and after all of these years, would finally give me their invaluable seal of approval. Ewwww, yuck, right?! I mean, I am utterly mortified to have this place in my soul, but there it is and I’m acknowledging it’s ugly presence (Read: The Gifts of Imperfection). And, let’s also acknowledge the obvious while we’re at it…these people would absolutely NOT give me anything close to a seal of approval, EVER! HINT: if you feel you have to prove something to someone, they are simply not your people. Oh, how sad it is to hold onto this dream to please others and to let it guide any bit of my journey towards joy (which is self-love and approval).
Thankfully, the problem with this idea was very soon apparent to me as I began to write captions for my photographs and build my website. I felt boxed-in by the writing model and style of some successful travel and tourism photographers. I obviously did not feel comfortable with the idea of paid promotion. In fact, writing with this intention felt so innately void of soul to me that I felt lost in my purpose and my inspiration was completely squashed. (This is not to devalue the importance of promoting something that holds your values and ideas).
Each day after time spent with nature, I began writing from my heart, and it completely poured out of me with ease and like some out-of-body experience.
But after all was written and posted, I wondered, who was the person who wrote this? I felt deeply connected and inspired, I felt renewed and strong, I felt confident.
But then, not too long afterwards, usually around 3pm, when my (2nd cup) coffee buzz had worn-off, I questioned it all! Hello imposter syndrome. Where was I going with this writing? Why was I sharing all of this and how confused readers must be! If my photographs weren’t going to fulfill my dream to contribute to our family finances, then what was the point of taking the time to share them? What purpose would PhotoDreamTrip be serving for myself, my community and the public?
By now, my family was actually seeing a shift in how I was spending my time. Now, I was out creating photographs, writing and editing at the computer for hours per day. Many times, my work was spilling over into after-school and family time. I needed to get a grip, this was defeating the purpose. Wasn’t it?
More to come, but here’s some foreshadowing for you: I still need to get a grip and I’m okay with that!
I hope that you may like to share a comment or idea that came to you as you read this story. Don’t be shy, I mean, really, I just told you that I fell in a dumpster!
– Mary Lynn
CREATIVE PROMPTS:
Creative Prompts are always optional in every way, always let your instincts direct you and allow yourself to travel in any direction that suits. *Share any thoughts or outcomes in the comments, if you please.
*Please respect the strict absolute confidentiality policy within this group.
CREATIVE PROMPT #1:
First, put away distractions and get outdoors. Spend quiet, uninterrupted time with nature, preferably 30 minutes or more. Now, through any creative means you choose (visual, sculptural, fashion, written, animation, musical, etc.), express your personal style. In words, attempt to explain your style to someone who lacks all 5 senses.
Bonus: Does your style change depending upon mood, location, current company, surrounding sounds, weather? Express any of these as it feels valid and important to you. Do you feel any stuck points or difficulty expressing your style or being aware of your style? If so, can you determine the source of difficulty?